you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
