I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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