Porn is love you can see.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
