i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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