Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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