I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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