If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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