Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
