Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
