You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
