the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is Oprah even human
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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