Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
