Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
