Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
