So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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