News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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