Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Send help, water and tortillas.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
