Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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