I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
