I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
