Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Shame - the story of my life.
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