we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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