when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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