i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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