Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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