Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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