I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
