I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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