I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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