Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
