Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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