I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
