she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
