And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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