Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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