It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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