no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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