he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
