Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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