This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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