life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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