FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
