...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize