dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
