I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
