what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
