Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
