fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
