I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
