I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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