It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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