I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
