New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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