We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
