So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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