I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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