I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
