I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
