she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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