why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
