i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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