wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
