booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
