can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize