So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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