Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
